All my life my biggest battle has been insignificance. I never feel I can do as well as others, or I think I'm not doing things right because I'm not doing it the way somebody else is. The devil just loves it because he gets in there and rubs his hands and says of course you can't, who do you think you are Judith?
Some of the things we are experiencing at St Mary's at the moment are very new to me. I haven't had teaching on healing, prophecy, words of knowledge. I have read about them in the bible and they have been something that I wanted to see happen, because I want to see New Testament church but was often told well that happened then but it doesn't happen like that now. And of course that makes you begin to doubt. I do know that things can happen.
Last weekend, Malcolm took me along with two others to a church weekend at which he was speaking and I came back feeling very inadequate. I felt I was in a battle. I had experienced God on the streets of Loughton on the Thursday and yet here I was still battling with my uselessness. I wasn't as good as my two brothers and sisters. When I get these feelings of insignificance I have to repent straight away, but then I think why do I do this God, you have been so good to me and I shouldn't have to keep doing it. I have seen God's power at work in my life and the life of others - my mother started coming to a house group with me after my father died; I have been healed of cancer; I went on mission; yet here I am still battling. When will I learn God. I feel I am so ungrateful to God because he has done such great things.
This week has been a good week. In my quiet times I have been reading Ephesians, first three chapters, and it has been on new identity, new inheritance, new revelation. I think when God is doing something new with us it is often hard because the devil doesn't want to see us getting closer to God. I read in Ephesians 1 that God created me to be holy and blameless, wow what an amazing thing, what an amazing God. In a paragraph from my bible notes, the writer says defining moments with God make us question much of what we'd believed before. We see God and ourselves in a new light. It's easy to retreat back into old ways of seeing and behaving. Yet God wants us to walk in an increasing revelation of him and who we are in him. This means dismantling our old ways of thinking in the light of God's mercy and grace (through repentance) and choosing by faith to trust God as he reveals himself to us afresh. I am having to do quite a lot of dismantling. But I so much want to move deeper with God.